Amanda Vs The Universe Read online

  I forced myself out of bed and stretched. Voices and a basketball hitting the blacktop sounded outside. I grabbed my phone from the floor to check the time. Noon. Way later than I’d thought.

  I headed for the door, but stopped dead. Words in black marker and several different styles of handwriting covered the mirror over my dresser. A border of flowers drawn in various colors surrounded them. I walked closer until I could rest my hands on the piece of furniture and read.

  I let out a raspy laugh. Kenzie obviously had thought of this. But I really couldn’t say those words out loud. Could I?

  A knock sounded on the door.

  “Yeah?” I said automatically.

  Kenzie stuck her head in. “Hey, how ya doing?”

  I shrugged, then indicated the mirror with my head. “Did they teach you this in your sports psychology class?”

  “What’s wrong with affirmations?”

  “Nothing. Just a little weird, that’s all.”

  She raised an eyebrow but didn’t comment on that. “So, Gabby and I are going into town to mess around, maybe do some shopping. You want to come? Molly is painting, and the guys are about to pretend they know how to throw a football around.”

  I coughed out a laugh. “You think they don’t know?”

  “They think they do.” She grinned and flipped a stray hair out of her face. “Anyway, your mom is frowning at the kitchen floor, and if you don’t want to be stuck cleaning, you should get out of the house.”

  I widened my eyes dramatically. “Yikes. When’re you leaving?”

  “Is twenty minutes enough time?”

  “Yup. I’ll shower later.”

  “Okay. See ya in a few.” She closed the door.

  I turned my attention back to the mirror. The words seemed to jump out at me. I opened my mouth but closed it again. I couldn’t say them. At least not right now. But there was something I could do.

  I opened Haley’s text message and deleted the pic of Alex and the girl. I don’t need Alex. I never did. I might not be able to say the words out loud, but I could definitely think them.

  Shopping with Kenzie and Gabby would help too. Plus, I could buy presents for Gamma and Haley since they couldn’t be here this summer.

  I dressed quickly in shorts and a pale gray T-shirt. My comment about a tee with that graffitied sun on it came to mind and I chuckled. Kyle appreciated my sense of humor. I could just picture us wearing matching sun tees. What would Cady say?

  Wait. What was I doing? Imagining myself together with Kyle? I dropped onto the bed and shook my head at myself. No. It didn’t matter if he was cute and that we had a few things in common. Crushing on him or any guy wasn’t going to help me.

  I didn’t know what would. Saying those affirmations was one thing. Believing them, another.

  But I wanted to. Deep down, I wanted to believe that I was beautiful, creative, and smart, and that I didn’t need Alex or any other guy. I just didn’t know how to get there.

  Fourteen

  At nine o’clock on Saturday night, we tromped through the door of Cady’s house, Geoff carrying three boxes of pizza.

  “Cady,” he called. “We’re here.” He forged on toward the kitchen, with everyone following except Kyle.

  I hung back to talk to him. Butterflies swooped in formation throughout my body. I hadn’t spoken to him since he’d challenged me about Geoff the night before, and I couldn’t quite decide how to go about it. Should I apologize for walking away abruptly? Should he apologize for what he said?

  In the end, I decided I didn’t need to say anything. Just be friendly so he’d know I wasn’t mad anymore. Because how could I be? He was right. I did let Geoff get away with way too many jibes.

  “How’s it going?” I asked.

  Kyle closed the door against the drizzle outside. “Fine. I don’t think the camping thing is gonna work, though.”

  “I know, but Geoff is determined.”

  He glanced in the direction the others had gone. “I can see that.”

  “My parents laughed at us, but Geoff kept saying the drizzle was supposed to stop by eleven. He even brought tarps to put our sleeping bags on.”

  “Not a bad idea.”

  I smiled. “He has good ones occasionally.”

  “If you say so,” he said, with a guarded expression.

  I nudged him with my elbow. “Come on. Let’s make sure he’s not ransacking the kitchen for cookies.”

  Kyle grinned. Finally. “Race ya.” He took off.

  “Hey!” I lurched to grab him, but he was already three steps away. I sped forward.

  Cady was laughing as I entered the kitchen. “But three pizzas? Didn’t you eat dinner?”

  Everyone stood around a kitchen island that displayed fruit and assorted packages of junk food. “Of course we did,” Geoff said. “But we might be up all night. We need sustenance.”

  I moved up next to Kyle. “No fair,” I whispered from the corner of my mouth.

  His eyes twinkled. “I won,” he whispered back.

  “I provided you with sustenance,” Cady retorted, sweeping an arm out toward all the food.

  “Told you,” Kenzie said.

  “I didn’t say we wouldn’t eat it,” Geoff said. “But you know, Cady, we are growing boys.”

  “Exactly,” Kenzie said. “We are growing boys.”

  Cady chuckled. “That sounds like you have a very peculiar garden.”

  “Oh, it is,” Molly said.

  “Well, since I’m supposed to be off my feet, I’m headed up to my room,” Cady said. “The den is set up for you in case it doesn’t stop raining.”

  “You mean we can sleep here?” I asked.

  “If you want,” she said.

  Geoff turned to me. “No sleeping. Remember, we made a pact.”

  “What?” Gabby asked.

  Noah shook his head. “Don’t worry about it. He’s just making it up as he goes.”

  “As soon as you agreed to come on the camp out, you made a pact,” Geoff said.

  Dylan picked up a bowl of chips. “Noah, you wanna get the ice chest?”

  “Sure,” Noah said.

  Geoff frowned. “It’s a pact, I tell you.”

  “Yes, sweetie, it’s a pact,” Molly said, hooking her arm through his. “Now let’s go hang out.”

  Kyle actually laughed at that and grabbed the plate of sliced fruit. “Here’s to hoping it rains all night.”

  Gabby and I laughed. Things had gotten more and more comfortable between us since the Alex photo crying jag and shopping today. She and Kenzie made good best friends. Even though Kenzie could be overpowering at times, that didn’t stop Gabby from speaking her mind. I was starting to really like her, which was weird enough that I decided not to think about it. We followed the others to the den.

  For the next two hours, we talked and laughed and ate while we played some random Charades-type game and listened to Dylan tell stories about his college professors. At one point, Molly and Kyle spent time in front of a bookshelf that had small sculpted pieces I’d never noticed before. Mostly the shelf held Cady’s pottery and art books and a few photos of her with her husband early in their marriage. They’d never had children. He’d died of cancer after twenty years, and Cady had never remarried. I’d always meant to ask her why but hadn’t felt bold enough. I almost went to see what Molly and Kyle were talking about, but decided to leave the artists in peace. I’d find out later whether he had sculpted them or not.

  “Okay,” Geoff said out of the blue, “I’m going outside.”

  “Uh, thanks for sharing,” Dylan said, and Kenzie laughed.

  Geoff just waved and went out the back door. I was too curious not to follow. A strong breeze seemed to be blowing the drizzle away. Overhead, patches of clouds gave way to sprinkles of stars in the sky.

  “See,” he said. “It’s clearing up.”

  “For now,” I said.

  “Yup.” He ruffled the top of my head.

  I pull
ed back. “What was that for?”

  “No reason. Just little sister stuff.”

  I cocked my head. Light from the den spilled out, leaving our faces half in shadow. “You never used to do things like that.”

  “Back in the day you would’ve hit me.”

  “I still might.”

  He squinted up at the night sky, adjusting those new wire-framed glasses. “Sorry things have been so hard for you since your breakup. I can’t say I get it, because Molly is the only one I’ve ever dated seriously.” He didn’t speak for several seconds, and I was too stunned to say anything. He turned his head toward me. “But I know it has to suck.”

  Confusing emotions battled it out. I couldn’t remember the last time Geoff had said something like that to me, but I still felt like I needed to be ready for teasing at any second. I gave him a nod. “Thanks.”

  With a brief smile, he said, “And my work here is done.”

  I held back a laugh. “Yes it is.”

  “I need to find out if Dylan has eaten all the chips. You coming?”

  “In a few minutes.”

  “Okay.” He went back inside.

  Strange that my brother could still surprise me. I stared into the darkness of the forest. The Alex-making-out-with-some-random-girl photo battered its way into my mind. The whole thing had left me raw. Hollowed out. I wished I could be strong, but did I even know how? I’d been a guy follower for a long time. What would it be like to do things without first checking if a boy liked the idea? Or liked me? I needed to take Kenzie’s advice and get mad. If I stayed mad long enough, maybe the raw pain would go away.

  The only thing I could do was try. Try until it felt right.

  I wandered toward the studio, the damp air seeping into my skin. I could even feel the wisps of hair at my temples begin to curl. Glad I hadn’t bothered to style my hair in any particular way.

  Soft footsteps sounded behind me, and I looked over my shoulder. Kyle approached slowly, his hands sunk into his jeans pockets. I couldn’t see his face in the darkness, but I could sense his quiet mood by the way he walked. He stopped next to me. “Hey.”

  “Hey.”

  “So we’re betting on whether or not the taggers will show on a night with bad weather. Want to get in on the action?”

  “Ha. Not really. What’s your bet?”

  “That they won’t.”

  “Hmm. It would be pretty sneaky of them to hit places on nights like this. No one would expect it.”

  “Huh. That’s almost exactly what your brother said.”

  I chuckled softly. “Sorry. We are related.”

  “No worries. A person can’t help who they’re related to.”

  “Ouch. Should I be offended on Geoff’s behalf?”

  Kyle bumped my shoulder with his. “I was thinking about my family.”

  I laughed. “Oh. Never mind, then.”

  He took in a deep breath and let it out slowly. “You know, your friends are cool, for a bunch of extroverts.”

  Was that his way of apologizing for telling me I let Geoff get away with things? I couldn’t decide. “Ha. They’re not all extroverts, and they’re more like family than friends.” I thought back to the support the girls gave me the previous night. “But I guess they’re friends too.”

  “You sound like you’re just realizing that.”

  “Yeah, guess I am. They’re older, and … they’ve always felt like people I had to look up to—not a group I was a part of.”

  He tilted his head. “And now?”

  “Now it feels different. The girls in particular are acting more like friends.” The breeze picked up, and I shivered. The temperature must be in the fifties by now, and I’d left my hoodie in the den, thinking I’d only be outside a couple of minutes.

  Kyle must’ve noticed, because he started taking off his jacket.

  I raised a hand. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do that.”

  He paused. “I can’t wrap my hoodie around my waist?”

  For half a second, I thought he was serious. Then I saw the smile. “Very funny.”

  He held out the fleece. “Take it. I have long sleeves and you don’t.”

  “Is that a competition thing?” I asked, slipping on his jacket. Warmth enveloped me. Plus the faint scent of bacon. I snuggled deeper into the fabric.

  “Isn’t everything with us?” But before I could answer he said, “Hey, moonlight is poking through the clouds. Want to check out the wall? See if the taggers came back while we were inside stuffing our faces?”

  “Sure.”

  We strolled toward the studio, watching our feet so we wouldn’t trip over twigs or undergrowth. Once we got to the gravel path that circled the building, we crunched along more confidently. The painted wall showed nothing new, just our work in muted colors and shadows.

  “Geoff will be so happy we didn’t miss it,” Kyle said, hands on his hips.

  I laughed. “True. He really wants to shoot his paintball gun.”

  “Cady’s a little worried about that. And I don’t know how that’s supposed to catch a tagger. They’ll just run.”

  “No one understands the ways of Geoff.”

  He pursed his lips but kept quiet.

  I couldn’t quite get a handle on Kyle’s mood. At times he joked and other times he looked like he had a lot on his mind. Should I straight up ask him about it? Were we good enough friends yet to do that?

  You’re doing it again. You’re trying to make guesses so you’ll stay on a boy’s good side. I wanted to hit myself. This whole not worrying about what a guy thinks was going to take time.

  “What’re you thinking about?” Kyle asked.

  I startled and said the first thing that popped into my head. “My ex.”

  “Ah.” A few more moments of silence passed, and then he said, “Anything you want to talk about?”

  That was nice of him. Guess we had become friends. It would be a relief to talk about Alex with someone who’d also been dumped. Because as sweet as the girls had been, they were all in good relationships. I folded my arms across my chest. “Kenzie says I need to get mad.”

  I could feel his gaze on me. “You haven’t already?” he asked, disbelief heavy in his voice.

  “A little. In bits and pieces. But then I usually fall back into, ‘why, why, why,’ even though I already know the answer.”

  He huffed out a bitter laugh. “Was it one of those ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ things? That’s my favorite.”

  Clouds blotted out the moonlight again. “Nope. He told me straight up what the problem was—I wouldn’t sleep with him, which made me too immature.”

  Kyle swore. “Seriously? What a jerk.”

  “And then last night I found out he was cheating on me while we were dating. So there’s that.”

  “Wow. Kenzie’s right. You really do need to get mad.”

  “But I’m not sure exactly how to do that. Do I yell and scream? Stab holes in his photos? Those are on my phone and I don’t want to hurt it.”

  He laughed.

  “And I don’t want to destroy my room or family property just because I need to have a temper tantrum.”

  “Hmm. I think I can help with this.”

  “Really? How?”

  “You could come to the studio sometime. Yell and scream all you want. Punch a huge pile of clay. I could even soften it up for you.”

  I turned over the possibilities. Would it actually help? Hard to say. “Thanks. That’s really nice of you.”

  “No problem. And I could give you privacy if you want.”

  Uh-oh. I never thought he might actually be there. That would be seriously embarrassing. “Right.”

  “So, tomorrow afternoon?”

  “Uh, I guess.”

  He rested a hand on my shoulder. “Isn’t it time to start feeling better?”

  What had I gotten myself into? I could probably wait and do this when I got home. Some afternoon when my parents were at work.

 
He gently squeezed my shoulder. “Amanda?”

  If I was really going to do this, I needed Kenzie. “Could I bring Kenzie? She’s really annoying and can help me get mad.”

  He chuckled and let his hand fall away. “If you want. But I can be pretty annoying too.”

  Memories of his arrogant look when I first met him slid over me. I smiled, even though he might not be able to see it. “That’s definitely true.”

  “Hey. It’s just that you’re so competitive.”

  “Speaking of, do I win?”

  “Huh?”

  “For the worst getting dumped story.”

  He sucked in a loud breath and then let it out with a harsh laugh. “Not even close.” He turned away and kicked the path. Gravel sprayed out, the rocks pinging as they splattered.

  “Do you wanna talk a—”

  “Yeah, okay.” He swung around, driving a hand through his hair, looking everywhere but at me. “So I was dumped by a girl who was using me to get close to my cousin who’s a tool, but all the girls love him.”

  The bitterness lacing his words made me ache for him. “I’m so sorry,” I whispered.

  “Heh. Yeah, well. Getting angry isn’t hard for me.” Our gazes met. “You wanna know the worst part? The part that shows what a complete clueless idiot I am?”

  I couldn’t say anything. Just stood there holding my breath.

  He leaned closer. “It was the second time. The second time a girl wanted to date me to find out about him. That was during freshman year. And then last year I thought I was so smart—that I could read girls way better than before. But nope, still an idiot. My sister warned me. She’d met Jules before and told me the girl lied all the time. I didn’t believe her. But Jules is like everyone else who worships the ground A.J. walks on.”

  I pulled the cuffs of the jacket down to cover my hands. “That’s your cousin?”

  “Yeah.”

  He tugged the bracelets at his wrist as if he might rip them off. Was one of them a gift from his ex? If so, he was as hopeless as I was. “Please tell me those bracelets aren’t from that girl.”

  He let out a desperate laugh. “Yeah, actually. But only one.” With one finger, he lifted a woven red leather bracelet away from his skin. “I wear it as a reminder, because like I said, I’m clueless.”