Amanda Vs The Universe Read online

  “I do not,” Geoff said, looking around at everybody. He settled on Molly. “Do I, Mol?”

  Molly pursed her lips. “Well, morning and noon, at least.” She winked at Kenzie.

  “Traitor,” he said, grinning at her.

  “But anyway,” Kenzie said. “If we really are going to camp out, we should plan it. Is that okay with you, Cady?”

  The older woman lifted both hands. “Of course.”

  “Tomorrow night,” Geoff said.

  “It’s supposed to rain,” Dad said.

  “Those forecasts are never right,” Geoff said, sticking a ketchup-laden french fry in his mouth.

  My parents shared smug smiles. Yup, they knew Geoff, all right. He was going to get us involved in some crazy plan, and we were going to be drenched. My mom raised her eyebrows at my dad. He cocked his head for a moment, and then his expression cleared. He nodded. I hated when they communicated like that. It wasn’t fair to those of us who wanted info.

  “We’ll let y’all work out those details,” Mom said. “But we do have an announcement to make.”

  Geoff grabbed the edge of the table with both hands. “Is it the big event?”

  “Yes, but we’re not telling what it is,” Dad said.

  “What!” I said, but brought the volume back down to normal level. “That’s so uncool. How’re we supposed to get ready if you don’t tell us what it is?”

  “Right?” Geoff said. “And Amanda won’t have time to figure out how to get out of it.”

  “Neither will I,” Dylan said.

  Mom smiled. “There’s no preparation needed. Everything will be explained when it begins.”

  “Big event?” Cady asked.

  “Yes,” my mother said. “And we’d love for you and Kyle to join us. It’s an evening with dinner and … a few other activities the day after Geoff’s birthday. So Sunday evening.”

  Cady looked at Kyle, who kept his face blank. That had to mean he didn’t want to do it. I totally didn’t blame him. “I’m intrigued,” she said. “But we’ll have to check the schedule. The big arts festival is week after next. With this foot issue, I backed out of handling a booth, but I’m selling through friends’ booths and I need to make sure I have enough inventory. Kyle is working on a few pieces too.”

  Mom nodded. “Just let us know what you decide.”

  “We ready for ice cream?” Dad asked.

  While people started clearing plates, Molly leaned toward Kyle. “You sculpt?”

  “Yeah,” Kyle said. “Mostly when I’m with Cady.”

  Molly gave him one of her long looks that could mean anything from “Yes, you are an artist” to “I shall investigate your worth.” “I’d like to see your work,” she finally said.

  “Okay, but it’s no big deal. It’s just—”

  Kenzie reached in and took his empty plate away.

  I smiled. I’d gone the whole dinner without teasing him. Seemed like it was time. “It’s just a thing he likes.”

  He looked at me in surprise, his lips curling up. “Yeah.”

  Molly ran a finger along the rim of her glass. “Everybody’s got a thing.”

  “So true,” Geoff said, reappearing to hand Molly a bowl of ice cream. “Take Amanda. She has like ten things, and they’re all guys.” He laughed.

  The smile on Kyle’s face faded.

  “Geoff,” Molly said, a hint of warning in her voice.

  “Sorry, sorry,” he said. “I was only kidding.”

  I ignored him and stood. “Want to come choose your ice cream?” I asked Kyle.

  He nodded and we joined the others at the island. My dad was dishing out rocky road—gross. “I’ll have the chocolate,” I said.

  “Okay, honey,” Dad said, moving to the scoop in the other half gallon. “How about you, young man?”

  “Chocolate for me too,” he said.

  Our ice cream in hand, we backed away toward the pantry while the others slowly made their way to the den, Dylan carrying Cady’s bowl as she used her crutches.

  Kyle eyed me, a spoonful of ice cream held above his bowl. “Why do you let your brother treat you like that?” he asked quietly.

  I pulled my spoon out of my mouth, only registering the cold, not the flavor of the chocolate. “It’s just Geoff being Geoff.”

  “He treats you like you’re ten. Or like it’s open season on Amanda. ‘Take a shot, everybody.’”

  I frowned. “He’s not that bad.”

  “Right.”

  “But isn’t that what siblings do? Give each other crap?”

  He stared into his bowl. “Maybe. My sister did occasionally, but I asked her to stop and she did. You just sit there and take it.”

  I slipped a spoonful of ice cream into my mouth, the icy chill running through my whole body. Was he right? Did I just take whatever Geoff dished out? No, there were lots of times I fought back. Weren’t there? But I could never come up with a put down that Geoff couldn’t turn into a huge joke in his favor. It was easier to just let it go. How could I explain that to someone who figured out the way he wanted things to be and then did it?

  “I don’t always take it,” I whispered. “You’re not around us all the time.”

  He let out a heavy breath like he thought he wasn’t getting his point across. “I hope that’s true.”

  “Are you saying I’m lying?”

  He put his bowl on the island counter top. “No, but I think you’re so used to it that you don’t notice how much he disses you.” He folded his arms across his chest, looking just as arrogant as the first day I’d met him.

  I wanted to say “whatever” and storm off to my room, but I was working on not doing the whole drama queen thing. Instead, I plastered a cool smile on my face. “Thanks for the advice,” I said, and left the kitchen.

  Thirteen

  In bed that night, I fumed over what Kyle had said. Who was he to tell me how to relate to my own brother? Sure Geoff could be a pain, but I still loved him. And I knew he loved me. He’d spent most of his high school years looking out for me, especially when he was a senior and I a freshman.

  To tell the truth, it had been a little embarrassing. I’d talk to a boy in the hall, and the next day Geoff would walk me to all my classes. Well, maybe not all of them, but enough that people noticed. Nothing I said would make him stop. Not even when I told my parents about it. They told him to leave me alone, but I had a feeling my dad hadn’t meant it. Like they were united in purpose or something.

  I rested my phone against my bent knees as I scrolled unseeing through my Instagram feed. Kyle was not allowed to insult my brother. Only I was allowed to do that.

  “You’re sighing again,” Molly said from the upper bunk.

  “Sorry.”

  “It’s okay.” Something thumped—probably the book she was reading when I came to bed. “Do you want to talk?”

  A loaded question. I didn’t want to tell her what Kyle had said, because then she’d feel like she had to defend Geoff too. Ugh. There were so many people to worry about all the time. “I just … Kyle said something that made me mad, that’s all.”

  “What?”

  I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t tell her. “It wasn’t a big deal. Just annoying.”

  “Does he know he annoyed you?”

  “Yup.”

  “But you didn’t settle it.”

  “Nope.”

  Molly let out a quiet laugh. “Guys. They can drive a woman crazy.”

  “Tell me about it.”

  “So, is there something going on between you two?”

  “What? No, no. We’re friends. New friends even. When we first met we couldn’t get along at all.”

  “And this was what, a week ago?”

  I laughed at the tone of disbelief in her voice. “Yeah, about that long.”

  A knock sounded at the same time as the door opened. Kenzie and Gabby strolled in, wearing their pajama pants and tank tops.

  “Come on in,” I said with the sma
ll amount of snark I could muster.

  “Thank you,” Kenzie said, grinning. She and Gabby dropped to the carpet beside my bed. “Now, confess,” Kenzie said. “What’s going on with you and Kyle? He’s so cute.”

  I laughed. “Go ask him out, then.”

  Kenzie smiled up at Molly, who was leaning over the railing above.

  “We can’t,” Gabby said. “We already have our hotties.”

  The fact that she could say that about Noah in front of me must mean she’d forgiven me for the past. At least, I hoped it did.

  “Come on,” Kenzie said. “You can tell us. We’ll keep it a secret.”

  “Oh, right. Your boyfriends would all know by tomorrow morning.”

  “I thought you said you and Kyle were only friends,” Molly said.

  “Ha!” Kenzie said. “Gotcha.”

  I scooted up against the backboard. “You didn’t get anything. Kyle and I are friends. That’s it. I mean, you know how hard it’s been for me since … ” I suddenly couldn’t decide if I wanted to talk about Alex or not. Dissolving into tears never solved anything.

  “Yeah, we know,” Kenzie said, exchanging glances with the others. “But we figured it’d be nice if you and Kyle had a little something going on. Just so you’d know that not all guys are asses.”

  I coughed. “Um, how do you know Kyle isn’t an ass?”

  “We don’t,” Molly said. “But he’s Cady’s nephew. That has to count for something.”

  “A little something.”

  “Is he an ass?” Gabby asked.

  I wouldn’t exactly say that. He was artistic, competitive, grumpy, and had been dumped a few months ago. Just like I had. He also seemed to care about Cady.

  “Well?” Kenzie asked. “Don’t keep us in suspense.”

  I couldn’t meet their eager gazes without wanting to laugh. So I studied my lavender bedspread. “He can be pretty cranky at times. But he likes to cook, so there’s that.”

  “Be still my heart,” Molly said, sliding down from the bunk and joining the others on the floor.

  We laughed. “And he likes bacon,” I said.

  “Oh, no,” Kenzie said. “A dream man. What will I tell Dylan?”

  “That he’d better cook you some bacon stat,” Gabby said.

  I scanned their laughing faces, and it dawned on me that I’d never hung out with them like this before. I’d always had Haley with me. Or just Molly by herself. Or Kenzie and her little sister when we were growing up. But never these three. I decided I liked it.

  My phone beeped with a text message, so I picked it up.

  Haley: I have something bad to show you about Alex but I won’t if you don’t want to see it.

  My insides clenched.

  “Is it from Kyle?” Kenzie asked, laughter in her voice.

  “No. It’s Haley.”

  “Are you okay?” Gabby asked. “You look like you might be sick.”

  “Uh … ” Should I tell them? Ask for their advice? They were three years older than me. Maybe they could tell me what to do. “Haley says she has something bad about Alex to show me. Should I tell her to send it?”

  Molly shook her head. “What possible good could it do? You already know he’s a jerk.”

  Gabby was frowning, but Kenzie had on her planning face. “We could look at it and give you our opinion,” she said. “I mean, if you don’t know, you’ll always wonder, right?”

  That was true. But I should have the courage to look at it myself. “That’s okay. It can’t hurt worse than anything else he’s done, can it?” I turned away from Molly’s worried look.

  Me: Show me.

  My breathing came shallowly as the seconds ticked by. I could feel the girls staring, but I couldn’t look at them. I kept my eyes trained on my phone, willing Haley to hurry up. I wanted to get this over with. The whooshing noise sounded.

  Haley: Pic is from a party in March with his school friends.

  “What is it?” Kenzie asked.

  March. When Alex and I were still dating. “She’s sending a picture.”

  And then it was there, in all its breath-stealing glory. I’d been wrong. It could hurt worse. It did hurt worse.

  The picture showed a girl with a drunk-looking smile pointing to a couple in a clench behind her. It was definitely Alex. Wearing the blue polo shirt I’d given him for his birthday, he was all over some blond girl. They were smashed together, kissing, her arms around his neck, his up the back of her shirt.

  Tears rolled down my numb cheeks. I didn’t even notice them until the drops hit my pj top.

  Kenzie gently pried the phone from my fingers. Then she swore. “This was when?”

  “In March,” I choked out. “We were still dating. But apparently I’m too stupid to know when a guy is being honest or not.”

  All those times he said he had to work, or his parents wanted him home, or his coach warned him not to go partying. All those times, he was probably cheating on me. Me, the idiot sophomore dating the senior.

  Molly got on the bed and wrapped me in a hug. Kenzie and Gabby spoke too quietly to hear through the pounding in my head. Two breakups in one year. James, the first guy, had said it wasn’t working out. After only two weeks. That hadn’t really bothered me, especially after I’d met Alex at a party. He just had this vibe, like he was cooler than everyone around him. And he wanted to be with me! And all the time it was because I was new meat. I didn’t go to his school. I didn’t already know his big jock status. I didn’t realize I was perfect because I’d never know what he did during the school day. I fell so hard for him that I never hit bottom until he dumped me. I’d been floating in space with no thought in my head other than Alex.

  I was utterly and completely pathetic.

  Molly pushed a wad of tissues into my hand. I smashed them against my eyes, blew my nose, and tried to catch my breath. My phone dinged. “What is it?” I croaked.

  “Haley wants to know if you’re okay,” Kenzie said.

  Tears filled my eyes again turning Kenz into blurry blob. “I … ”

  “Never mind,” she said. “I’ll tell her it’s me and that you’re dealing with stuff and you’ll text her later. That okay?”

  “Yeah.”

  Molly handed me more tissues, and I blew my nose again. The hollow sensation in my chest burned with the pain of it.

  “Amanda, look at me,” Kenzie said, her voice quiet but insistent.

  I blinked back tears and faced her.

  She lifted my phone. “This is not your fault. You’re not stupid because you trusted somebody. People are weird. Some can be trusted and some can’t. It can take a while to figure out which is which. And even then it’s scary. But here’s what you need to do now.”

  She paused like she wanted me to acknowledge her words, so I dipped my head.

  Kenzie leaned closer. “You have to stop crying.”

  What? Didn’t she see that photo? Did she think I was just feeling sorry for myself?

  “Kenzie,” Molly said. “Not helping.”

  “I am helping,” she said.

  I cleared my throat. “I’m not doing it to get attention, if that’s what you think.”

  “No. I don’t think that. I think it hurts, and so you cry.”

  I shut my eyes for a moment. Where was she going with this?

  “You have to stop blaming yourself. He cheated on you, not the other way around. He’s the certified jackass.” Even in the shadowy area of the lower bunk, Kenzie’s eyes blazed with intensity. “So stop crying and get mad.”

  There was a long moment of silence, and then Molly and Gabby spoke at once.

  “She needs time,” Molly said.

  “Kenz, not everyone can get mad like you can,” Gabby said.

  My cousin looked from one of them to the other and started to laugh. “Hey, if this had happened to me, would y’all have let me mope around in pain for three months?”

  Ugh. I was going to kill my parents. They’d given out details on how I�
��d been acting.

  “We wouldn’t have to,” Gabby said, trying to keep a straight face. “You’d be so pissed, the guy would be lucky to be alive.”

  A thread of laughter escaped my lips. “That’s true.”

  Kenzie grinned. “Guess I should come up with a better example.”

  “Look, I know I should be angry about all this,” I said, “but it takes so much energy.”

  “And crying doesn’t?” Kenzie asked.

  I didn’t have an answer for that. Maybe she was right, but the whole situation just exhausted me. “I can’t think right now.”

  “Okay,” Molly said, “enough talk. Let her get some sleep. Kenz, you can give her your pep talk tomorrow.”

  Kenzie twisted her lips. “All right. But can we do one thing first?” She looked almost pleading as she gazed at me. “Can we delete that photo? I don’t want you obsessing over it all night.”

  “I might need it to get mad,” I said.

  “Good point,” she said and handed me the phone.

  Molly got up. “Time for some privacy.” She hustled the others up and went out of the room with them, the door closing like a thump in my chest.

  Taking in a shuddering breath, I texted Haley that I’d call her tomorrow and then turned off my phone. Mush filled my mind, pain my chest, and I couldn’t do more than hunch down under the covers.

  I shut my eyes, and the picture reappeared. I had to fight that somehow, so I clung to Kenzie’s words: It’s not your fault. I fell asleep as I repeated the words, finally changing the pronoun. It’s not my fault.

  ***

  The next morning, I blinked open sticky eyes. Sunshine lit up the whole room. I groaned and rolled over. Every bone, every muscle ached like I’d bashed myself against the wall all night. Maybe I had.

  I’d dreamed I was in a classroom with everyone laughing, but I didn’t understand the joke. I tried to leave, but faceless people blocked the door. Then I realized they were all laughing at me.

  Yay. Creepy dreams for the win.

  I rubbed my eyes. I should probably get up. And then, like a knife to the gut, the memory of the photo hit my brain, and I gasped. Shit. I should definitely get up. I needed to do something, anything, to get my mind off of it.